it seems like, with summer winding down and the school supplies reappearing on store shelves, the "impending sense of doom" that i have been trying to avoid is sneaking up, lurking behind corners, hiding under discount erasers.
one of the hallmarks of stupidity is probably being upset about something before it even happens. stupidity, no, but vulnerability maybe. it's so hard not to worry, though, with friends and family leaving before the summer even seems over.
someone told me that when you're an adult, and in the year-round working world, summer and autumn meld together, and when the hotter seasons approach you don't care, except maybe appreciate the air conditioning in your office, so you don't have to face the heat outside.
why does it seem like i take everything for granted, no matter how hard i try not to? this summer has been a series of events- hallmarks of life, breakups, shows, nights out with friends, days in with books. nothing that i can remember precisely. for all the summer before this, my schedule has been tamer, maybe allowing time for fun between summer classes and my parent's expectations. what i remember about all summers isn't what i schedule anymore.
now what i remember is what i repeat, the bike rides every day and the chicory growing on the side of the road. hours spent hunched protectively over my sewing machine listening to the radio, completely content despite the realization that public radio just repeats after a while. i remember being told that i'm fragile, finding out the hard way that i'm vulnerable- i remember being hurt, over and over, the feeling of lips on skin, again and again, this summer in my mind that is supposed to stay with me forever.
but it will never last long enough.
