late early late late early.

so much money being shuffled around now, it's hard to think of anything else. i spent $25 on a pair of high waisted shorts from f21 and i feel like a sinner.

every night i've been up at least til 2am, lightweight time for someone else, maybe, but sleep is my escape and i don't know why i deny myself. hearing that we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping scared me. if i could find a way to magically stop sleeping, like in the adrian tomine comic, i could have achieved so much more. but i'd probably be lonely all the time, listening to the trains go by.

i am an instrument in my own destruction, forcing myself to my limits, trying not to doom myself to a life spent cocooned and hidden. the pressure i put on myself leaving detailed red indentations in my skin that i have to rub out, until i feel normal... it's late. i'm being stupid.

maybe not. probably.

i still feel the same way about things that i always have, that in varying degrees, there is always something wrong. writing this phrase in my sketchbooks since i was in fifth grade: "fuuuuck". always! there is never a time when i do not feel like putting my head in my hands, and going "fuuuuck". lately, meaning within the past year or so, it's gotten worse, this sense of desperation that nothing is going right, and it rises in my throat, more like a howl than a word. some kind of verbal protest against things i can't change. if you haven't stopped reading by now i commend you, because i kind of stopped thinking when i started typing.



tomorrow is free slurpee day!